TV Land PRIME blog

Watching High School Reunion is a master class in sociology.  So many people live up to their high school stereotypes. I mean, Dennis is still the d-bag I assume he was in high school. And then there are those who embody the transformation out of their stereotypical mold: “Ugly Duckling” Jessica has transformed into a preternaturally sculpted swan.  

How would the stereotype stick with them throughout the years – would they change? What special secret would they reveal on a reality show?

So in the spirit of HSR, I want to present to you TV Land’s Celebrity High School Reunion: 

Who: The Cheerleader

Played by: Angelina Jolie

Most likely to: Laugh uncomfortably on camera while Jen Aniston is presenting an Oscar.

Watch the episode when: She and Jen get stuck in detention together. 

Who: The Jock

Played by: Duh.

Most likely to: Age in reverse on screen, seduce Geena Davis, play Achilles.

Secret to tell: There’s nothing. Seriously, this dude IS the high school quarterback of life golden boy. He’s friggin’ perfect. Though I would pay money to see him and Angie watch a presidential debate together. Brangelina is like a prettier Marville (Mary Matalin and James Carville). 

Who: Class Clown

Played by: Bruce Willis

Surprising transformation: From Moonlighting wise-cracker to action hero.

Even more surprising transformation: Surviving Hudson Hawk

Watch the episode when: He gets entangled in another lawsuit.  

Who: The Ugly Duckling

 Played by: Sarah Jessica Parker

Surprising transformation: From Square Pegs to washboard abs.

Most likely to: Look hot in a Garnier ad. 

Who: The Loner

Played by: Joaquin Phoenix

Surprising transformation: Facial hair

Watch the episode when: Everyone forces him into an intervention

Most likely to: Well, he was originally voted most likely to play sensitive characters on screen, now he’s most likely to end up sprawled on the side of the road mistaken for a Hasidic junkie (thank you, Natalie Portman, for supplying that joke). 

Who: The Brain

Played by: Bill Gates

Watch the episode when: He buys the island.

Hook-up on the show: Sorry, Melinda, I would pay money to watch your husband deal with the vulturous onslaught of gold-digging Bachelorettes commonly found on reality shows. Seriously, any of these HSR ladies would do the trick.  

Who: The Pregnant Girl

Played by: Come on, this is too easy. Rhymes with Twitney Smears.

Where she’ll be in 20 years: A grandmother 

Who: The Troublemaker

Played by: Eve Plumb

Most likely to: Not show up for the reunion

Watch the episode when: She is forced to do all the musical numbers she missed when she dropped out of The Brady Bunch Hour. 

Who: The Outcast

Played by: Mickey Rourke

Most likely to: Stay on course with this comeback and make positive, healthy choices in his life. Wow, I didn’t even laugh as I typed that.

Watch the episode when: He whips Joaquin Phoenix back into shape. That’s right, TAFKA-Leaf Phoenix: You know you’re in trouble when Mickey Rourke is saner than you. 

Who: The All Star

Played by: Christian Bale

Surprising transformation: What don’t you effing understand? He turned from golden boy to expletive-hurling Amerian psycho.

Watch the episode when: He attends anger management classes with Chris Brown. 

Which celebs do you think would fit the bill for the high-school stereotypes?

Photos: Steve Granitz - Contributor, Mark Von Holden - Contributer, Jamie McCarthy - Staff, Sean Gallup - Staff (all courtesy Getty Images)