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- High School Reunion: Celebrity Edition
High School Reunion: Celebrity Edition
Watching High School Reunion is a master class in sociology. So many people live up to their high school stereotypes. I mean, Dennis is still the d-bag I assume he was in high school. And then there are those who embody the transformation out of their stereotypical mold: “Ugly Duckling” Jessica has transformed into a preternaturally sculpted swan.
How would the stereotype stick with them throughout the years – would they change? What special secret would they reveal on a reality show?
So in the spirit of HSR, I want to present to you TV Land’s Celebrity High School Reunion:
Who: The Cheerleader
Played by: Angelina Jolie
Most likely to: Laugh uncomfortably on camera while Jen Aniston is presenting an Oscar.
Watch the episode when: She and Jen get stuck in detention together.
Who: The Jock
Played by: Duh.
Most likely to: Age in reverse on screen, seduce Geena Davis, play Achilles.
Secret to tell: There’s nothing. Seriously, this dude IS the high school quarterback of life golden boy. He’s friggin’ perfect. Though I would pay money to see him and Angie watch a presidential debate together. Brangelina is like a prettier Marville (Mary Matalin and James Carville).
Who: Class Clown
Played by: Bruce Willis
Surprising transformation: From Moonlighting wise-cracker to action hero.
Even more surprising transformation: Surviving Hudson Hawk
Watch the episode when: He gets entangled in another lawsuit.
Who: The Ugly Duckling
Played by: Sarah Jessica Parker
Surprising transformation: From Square Pegs to washboard abs.
Most likely to: Look hot in a Garnier ad.
Who: The Loner
Played by: Joaquin Phoenix
Surprising transformation: Facial hair
Watch the episode when: Everyone forces him into an intervention
Most likely to: Well, he was originally voted most likely to play sensitive characters on screen, now he’s most likely to end up sprawled on the side of the road mistaken for a Hasidic junkie (thank you, Natalie Portman, for supplying that joke).
Who: The Brain
Played by: Bill Gates
Watch the episode when: He buys the island.
Hook-up on the show: Sorry, Melinda, I would pay money to watch your husband deal with the vulturous onslaught of gold-digging Bachelorettes commonly found on reality shows. Seriously, any of these HSR ladies would do the trick.
Who: The Pregnant Girl
Played by: Come on, this is too easy. Rhymes with Twitney Smears.
Where she’ll be in 20 years: A grandmother
Who: The Troublemaker
Played by: Eve Plumb
Most likely to: Not show up for the reunion
Watch the episode when: She is forced to do all the musical numbers she missed when she dropped out of The Brady Bunch Hour.
Who: The Outcast
Played by: Mickey Rourke
Most likely to: Stay on course with this comeback and make positive, healthy choices in his life. Wow, I didn’t even laugh as I typed that.
Watch the episode when: He whips Joaquin Phoenix back into shape. That’s right, TAFKA-Leaf Phoenix: You know you’re in trouble when Mickey Rourke is saner than you.
Who: The All Star
Played by: Christian Bale
Surprising transformation: What don’t you effing understand? He turned from golden boy to expletive-hurling Amerian psycho.
Watch the episode when: He attends anger management classes with Chris Brown.
Which celebs do you think would fit the bill for the high-school stereotypes?
Photos: Steve Granitz - Contributor, Mark Von Holden - Contributer, Jamie McCarthy - Staff, Sean Gallup - Staff (all courtesy Getty Images)
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Sammy_Buck
- Sammy Buck is not Fiddlin Sammy Buck in the legendary "Pineylore" story (seriously, Google?), but he did write the movie Red Hook, the musicals "Like You Like It" and "The 7-Year B*tch" (both with composer Dan Acquisto), was on the Emmy-winning TV Land Awards Digital team and writes for the podcast Man of the People. Member: BMI, Dramatists Guild, Inc.
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David_Rieth
- David Rieth works in the promotions department of TV Land Prime and has first-hand expertise about life as a 40-something in the 21st century. David and his wife live in Jersey with their 12-year old daughter, while their 20-year-old daughter attends college to get more knowledge. David clings to his rock 'n roll fantasies and performs original music with his wife and their band, The Bloomingfields. Dedicated viewers of Nick@Nite and TV Land may recognize David from his many cameo appearances in promos through the years.
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Kristy_Ojala
- Kristy Ojala has four limbs, 10 toes, two opposable thumbs, eight fingers, two eyes, two ears, a nose and a mouth. (This is also the only nice thing she can find to say about Renee Zellweger.) She is missing at least seven adult teeth because the others were too big and had to be yanked. She was once busted for having a loud Halloween party and had to talk to the police while dressed as her hero, Holly from Land of the Lost. She loves zombie movies and swearing and funny shoes and seafood shacks and New Zealand wine and yelling at the TV. She has written zero books but has lots of emails saved up. Her favorite TV episode ever is the "LudaChristmas" 30 Rock.
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Alex_Goldberg
- Alex Goldberg is semi-tall and doesn't mind wearing white pants. He was born in Paris, and is named after Michael J. Fox's character in Family Ties. He is also related to the Three Stooges through his grandmother on his father's side. Up until college, he spent most of his life in either Constantinople or Reykjavik writing performance art reviews for the zine Express Yourself. At the Sorbonne, he studied Impressionist painting, but dropped out when his art punk band The Van Buren Boys began touring Europe. In the present, you can find him working at TV Land helping out where he can, and now blogging here with a fine group of mouthbreathers and food eaters.
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Virginia_Chu
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