First off, I must say congratulations on maintaining your poise and honesty on national television while looking for your soul Stacey The Cougarmate. Myself, I was a blubbering idiot whenever I went to any kind of speed dating, so you have my utmost respect.

 

I must admit that when I heard about this reality show, I guffawed and had the worst first impression in my mind of what type of woman would agree to be the show's lead. Then you appeared: successful, gorgeous, with four kids and previous marriages. In short, you had the combination of looks, brains and experience. I could not have written a better fictional character short of Courteney Cox in her upcoming show.

 

OK, so the reason I am writing is twofold:  First, I want to give you some advice as the show moves forward (yes I know the show is shot and in the can - and I have no idea how it all ends up - but heck, I can go to that place in my imagination where The Cougar is live, Soap is still on the air and Bob Dole won in 1996. Second, as a fellow quatrogenarian (though I still have three more months to say I'm Gary in Thirtysomething), I wanted to offer my perspective on the guys and the generation gap.

 

My advice: Airborne. Seriously, my lady, with all that kissing (and heaven knows guys in their 20s lack hygiene skills), you must protect your immune system.

That's about it when it comes to advice. You seem to have everything in control otherwise. Well, except for some of your choices.

 

Sure, Travis is a doorbell and will one day be good husband material, but with his Jeff Spicoli hair, he was negative-5 years old when Fast Times at Ridgemont High came out. I have nothing personal against Colt, especially as a fellow songwriter. But something tells me he is a cougar player, since he admits to dating a 61 year-old. You may be about 21 years too young: When his ex was your age, Travis was born. Perspective much?

Travis

Which brings me to which men I think are the most worthy of you.

 

Jon.

 

Jon.

 

And, um...

Jon.

 

Oh and did I mention Jon?  When I was looking at all the guys' profiles, I saw Jon's and notated that he was the real thing. Look, he may have had a shockerama when you said you had kids and a couple of nuptials behind you, but he has the most stability of all of them. And sure, he might not have that TravisAdamJohnnyZacEfron youth fun you might be looking for, nor is he the most compelling Ryanish character on the TV, but I am pulling for him.

Stacey - Jon

If not him, then David and Officer Nick would make a good Mr. Anderson.

 

But you know all of this - and I can see how you are keeping some of the guys around because, well, there has to be a whole season of this show and it is darn compelling to watch these young guys think your friends are old.

 

Oh, one more piece of advice: Sleep with Jimmy. He wants you, he has a ridiculous body and, well, he was born to be slept with. Then remember: never date an actor.

Jimmy

Unless he's Ashton Kutcher.

 

Sincerely,

Sammy Buck, fellow hot old person