I'm not going to be at the movie theatre at 9:55PM Thursday to jockey for seats at a midnight Star Trek showing. I could use Star Trekthe excuse that I have rehearsal for my show and wouldn't be able to get there in time, but the truth is:

 

I'm scared to see the new Trek.

 

Though never donning Spock ears myself, I have been known to attend part of a convention or two, pre-TNG days. My relationship with the original series is two-fold. First, I spent the better part of my life with Nimoy's haircut. Second, the episode that gave me nightmares as a child was written by the guy who would go on to become the college professor who was my living nightmare.

 

Also, I'm just a sucker for a good "Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a blogger" type of line.

 

But I digress. I'm kinda afraid of the "reboot" and kinda hopeful about a few things. So, Captain, here is my very logical list of 10 Reasons Why I'm Terrified of the Star Trek Movie:

 

1. FEAR: Spock slices his crewmates' skulls, Sulu goes to White Castle with Kumar and Scotty fights zombies. OK, I know that Zachary Quinto, John Cho and Simon Pegg are versatile actors, but I wish the cast was COMPLETELY unknown. And maybe I'm a word geek, but Kirk's mother is named Winona, but Winona Ryder is playing Spock's mother, Amanda. I'm already confused.

 

2. FEAR: Bruce Greenwood, as Captain Pike, ends up disfigured and in that fekokta beeping wheelchair. Unlike Revenge of the Sith, which tried to make every single connection to the classic Star Wars movies, I hope we don't get too many of those "prescient moments" in the new Trek movie.

 

3. HOPE: Please, I hope that as James T. Kirk, Chris. Pine. Speaks. Like. William. Shatner.

Spock and Kirk

4. HOPE: I am stoked to see Eric Bana as a Khan-like villain deadset on destroying Kirk (Oooooh, will there be time-travel-Malcolm-McDowell-in-Generations action, too?). Plus, I am soooo hoping Eric Bana's character will quote Melville.

 

5. HOPE: Cheesy backdrops and crappy monster suits. In this day and age of CGI, will there be room for crappy special effects?  The original series, where they would go to Planet Backlot, has a certain comfort in its 1960s view of space. Heck, the original Trek movies had some cheesy stuff even by their time periods' standards. Alas, I predict this film will have some only Bruckheimer-worthy SFX, and I will cry.

 

6. HOPE: Jerry Goldsmith's and/or James Horner's music is incorporated somehow into Michael Giacchino's score. If Bear McCreary could make musical nods to the original Battlestar Galactica theme, Mr. Giacchino can do the same. I am sure the Alexander Courage theme will make it in, but I loves me a little Goldsmith and Horner (though I hope there's no music from Star Trek IV).

7. FEAR: Too much CW-inspired skin. Yes, I know Shatner showed his above-the-waist flesh while he bagged half the galaxy, but I just don't want to see too many steamy scenes. Unless they inexplicably involve Bruce Greenwood's Pike and Winona Ryder's Amanda.

 

8. HOPE (well, and FEAR, too): J.J. Abrams, who brought us such memorable onscreen moments as Harrison Ford's turning into a drool cup in Regarding Henry, will do the same in Star Trek. I should clarify: What Abrams does so well is to meld (yes, I used the word meld) honest character moments into his far-fetched plots. Kinda like Gene Roddenberry himself. So I hope it's THIS Abrams doing the movie and not the Abrams who did Gone Fishin'.

 

9. CAN'T WAIT: Majel Barrett posthumously reprises her role as the voice of the Enterprise computer.

 

10. CAN'T WAIT: We'll get to see how Kirk aces - by cheating on - his Kobayashi Maru test. (so I guess I should strike #2 from this list. Darn you, Khaaaaaannnnnn!)

 

Hmmm, I have a feeling I'm skipping rehearsal on Thursday.